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| Happy Boxing Day |
| 12.25.04 (9:13 pm) [edit] |
its already 2.41pm and im still in bed. just woke up and feeling excited about me being able to post photos on my new blog. so i came online trying to test out the nitty gritty tagging stuffs. anyway i was just talking to reh and surfing around on many of my friends' blogs and it suddenly hits me so strong, i realise the idea of going out with a unchurched boyfriend will never play fair for me. my cell group mates will never accept that. my cell group leader demands an answer from me which i havent got back to her (after 3 weeks). and if she probably know whats my decision, she will drop me from heaven so high and let me hit the ground so strong, my backbone will smash into pieces. cannot put back together already foo :(
why not talk about going to church on christmas season. i did go to church (with my bope even) but missing out my cell group mates. they called me, texted me, all of which to ask who am i with, what am i doing. but i think the more important fact is that they did not realise, why do they need to wait until now that they discover such a significant person, who used to play a big part in the cell group, go missing on a important bible calendar event, christmas celebration. the last cell group i attended was so empty. i sat in the living room of that house and not a single soul talked to me for proper. blame me for not building bonds with my cell group mates but now i realise i dont need those bonds. cell group mates are just very practical friends, who are there to help you move house when you need to, buy a fruit basket and visit you at the hospital when you are sick and send a flower ring when someone passed away.
i know the importance of accountability, and dont worry, i promise im more
of an accountable freak than any one who is reading this. i actually felt bad when all those things were happening and not a single person in church knows. and i thought, yes i want to let them know and fill my life into theirs. but the moment i open my thin lips, they slashed me with why why why. i can be accountable and i want to. i wanted to tell gf about what happened too. just that it was slower than expected and stupid things happened but anyway, if the heart is true, you will always understand that the intended cause of the person for you. i hope the cell group's intended cause for me was just as pure to love me as a friend. and forget about the group dynamics and whatever that doesnt sounds so nice to be put here.
even just an hour ago when i messaged piku to ask if they were still there so i could go down and join them for a while. she only replied to ask me where am i. why do i need to report to her if she dont even earn my trust anymore. watch meet the fockers and you will understand the circle of trust is and can be built by every single person for their own needs. i may not be in yours but dont worry, im more concern in choosing who will be in mine. and i wont be busy trying to fockerise anybody because im not here to change your lifestyle and i cant be bothered to challenge the culture. but if you cannot accept my fockery style then very sorry, you will be out of my circle of trust.
ok, im turning very angry and sad (which i shouldnt be). but the thought of me being treated differently is :'( i know you guys have high expectations for me but too bad, i wont accept to change my focker style. i was young and impressionable then. even jo said i was innocent and mouldable. but now i have grown up and i have my way of rationalising things. ok very sad... :( i think this can be named my sad blog and the new one, my happy blog. hahaha! by the way, i think you guys are dying to know the new url right? dont tell you! :P
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| When Hunger Strikes |
| 12.15.04 (8:50 pm) [edit] |
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all the food in the world will flood your mind. and it generates an automatic flow of saliva swirling in your mouth.
then i will dream of rice balls soup, sesame paste, dumplings, wantons, pratas, chao kuay tiao, bread chicken, melted chocolate, apple cinnamon cocoa, fried carrot cake, peking duck, dim sum, spaghetti house, chao siew rice, ban mian, chicken wing, pork rib king, shark fins, abalone, steamed fish, miso soup and ramen, my gelato, XXL chicken, bread talk, ya kun kaya, and half boiled egg, milo, strawberry milkshake, crepes and cream, sweet and sour pork, mos burger, yoshinoya, burger king mushroom swiss, muah chee, bah chor mee, brownies and cookies, yong tou foo, porridge, fried prawns, CRABS!
ahhhh baby... where is hong kong... where are all our good food...
WHERE IS MY FOOD?! :cry:
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| Expectations Management |
| 12.15.04 (7:38 am) [edit] |
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im feeling quite shitty now because i was doing my face and i poked a super big hole into a pore on my nose. now its bleeding.
i think i should seriously consider a job in the tourism industry, maybe try to become a tour guide. then i will have plenty of opportunities to travel like i like. and make sure i learn all kinds of languages so i can go to many many countries :)
apart from this, today we shall talk about expectation management. i think we should learn to expect from ourselves first, before we set expectations for others. and be very sure, we will all set expectations. whether we like it or not, realise it or not. maybe thats call... standard.
recently i have failed many expectations. and today, someone have failed mine. and then i thought, "hey, why is it like this?" why did the person set a different standard for themselves and yet does not do the same to other people apart from themselves. 'toothpaste' - '2 faced' strategy huh? and as uncle bope have said, "sometimes, people just dont use their brain to think. and even when they do, they did not think for the others around because they did not realise their actions affects everyone else." uncle's wisdom rules because he does not know how to explain himself so, you just need to take time and meditate over the food, makan and disgest. heng ah! cows have 4 stomachs to do the work.
ok, i just jumped over to my mirror 2 seconds ago and saw a significantly minimised pore. now im comforted to sleep...
but but, before i go i must declare: class95 is rockiest at night!
Thats What Friends Are For
And I
Never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you
And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try to feel the way we do today
And than if you can't remember.....
Keep smilin'
Keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me
for sure
that's what friends are for
In good times
And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for
Well you came and open me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you....
Ohhh and then
For the times when we're apart
Well just close your eyes and know
These words are comming from my heart
And then if you can't remember....Ohhhhh
i love all my friends.
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| Reh's Words |
| 12.13.04 (5:06 am) [edit] |
ﺎﻧﺎﺣﺮ ® says:
and thats great
ﺎﻧﺎﺣﺮ ® says:
coz when u do something u WANT to do
ﺎﻧﺎﺣﺮ ® says:
then the people who matter in ur life
ﺎﻧﺎﺣﺮ ® says:
will be happy for u too
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| What is Right and Wrong |
| 12.10.04 (5:38 am) [edit] |
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if you want to be a journalist, what kind of journalist do you want to be?
if you want to be a poly student, what kind of poly student do you want to be?
if you want to be a christian, what kind of christian do you want to be?
if you really love the world so much, maybe you should just embrace the world.
if you love God, be very fervent. if you want to be wild, be VERY WILD.
now i dont even know you anymore, you have changed so much.
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| Back to school |
| 12.07.04 (10:49 pm) [edit] |
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my short stinct of escape is over and now im back to reality. its always good to go on a short holiday trip, get disconnected and start feeling 'how to live normal'.
its funny to see all my friends in school again today. its just feels different to take part in those conversations and do the things we used to do. maybe just not adjusted.
i dont really want to come back though, i want to run away and stay far far away. with no one to account to. meet up to their expectations. and try to be nice and accomodative. it doesnt matter where we'll be. just stay away from matters. everyday, wake up eat work enough go home and rest. a bit boring of a lifestyle but its better than living in politics, GOSSIPS and under scrutinity. just cannot stand to on my mobile with all those messages coming, "where are you? you need to be here to do this and that." i know they are trying to get me back on the same railway track with them. run that same vision we used to do. and be the same person i used to be. but im too lazy to be bothered. i know the problem will come humping at me soon enough for me to start thinking now. and the consequences will be... maybe not great but impactful. it takes alot to take those treatment. but, it doesnt matter anymore, does it?
its hell lot of good fun when i was there. for once theres no time. no time!!! imagine living in a timeless world. nothing leading you on. just at your own pace and run like you like. not even bothered by the surroundings. in fact, we dont even need to be governing ourselves. we live the way we want it to be. thanks for the trip. thank you thank you thank you million times.
im looking forward to ending this semester well, be positive and stay positive on all matters, even if it look like banging at me on the head. i dont quite know what to do after this though, because there doesnt seem to be a way out. im still a nice person after all... HAHAHAHA...*pukes.
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| In memory of her |
| 12.01.04 (7:26 am) [edit] |
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my heading makes it sound like shes gone forever. but well, in some sense it really is that way. shes gone, from this part of my life.
im regretful for neglecting her when she needed me. im sorry for not being there. im sorry im sorry. please forgive me.
"It's quite sad, when you know that she will remain your best friend forever although she's already moved on with life."
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