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| Hey Jude |
| 09.28.04 (7:14 am) [edit] |
dont make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
let her into your heart
and start to make it better.
anytime when you feel the pain
dont carry the world on your shoulder
you should start to make it better
let it out and let it in
its just you, you'll do
well you do know you are just a fool
by making this world a little colder
nananananananaa, jude jude...
remember, dont let me down
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| Happy Birthday 0620 |
| 09.26.04 (4:58 am) [edit] |
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this is really damn funny. my auntie called my mum today, asked all of us to go over her place because she called in buffet. everyone kept asking whats the occasion? whose birthday is that? but she breathed no words. and its neither my uncle or cousins birthday also. then when everyone starts going home, she brought out this big mango cheese cake. she opened the box and everyone say the words on it: happy birthday 0620.
guess what! the occasion was to celebrate the birth of their new house! and 0620 is their unit number! she said that she went to buy the cake and the lady was laughing mad when she wrote the words on it.
we even sang birthday song, to the house! and took photos with it. :X
well, today is also 26th sept. chineses really have a way with numbers and their beliefs sometimes just throw us off... now i can tell people i went to celebrate house's birthday.
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| Today |
| 09.25.04 (9:52 am) [edit] |
God made me feel down right cheap today. i have never felt this way before. i just cried and cried and cried. and i hate that stupid cameraman who took a close up of me when i weeped. cant he be slightly more senstitive and understand that its a private moment. i wonder why He still whispers loves-me and accepts me when i did so many bad things. to many many people, im a good-enough person. at least, most of the people think im much better off than anyone of them. you know what i feel of myself? im like those pharisees in the bible that read His Words and obey His commandments. but i do not allow Him to shower His grace and mercy although im living off the very same thought that im saved by the work of salvation. those pharisees pointed fingers at Jesus and accused Him of blasphemy. accusing the Son of God that, how bad can that be? like murdering someone using my cutting words, like slowly suffocating someone with my actions and manner.
im this leech at stucks on God's salvation, His blessings, and all that He offers to give me from the bible. and thats why i feel so damn cheap, because i make use of His love to benefit my own comfort. and i wonder why God allows me to do that. if i put myself in His shoes now, the most sensible answer i could give is probably because He already the king over all things, and He loses nothing. by being angry with me makes no sense because He dont need to benefit from me. and loving me makes Him happy, because loving people makes yourself happy too.
because of this, i make myself yield towards Him, and always bouncing off because i love to play. i love to seek pleasureable and sinnful things He asked me not to do. its a love-hate relationship. but God to such extent, still smiles at me and makes me melt even more. and it is the only only reason why im still attending church now. nothing makes me happy besides hearing His Word and worshipping Him. what pastor today said was right, i just puts on layers and layers of covers. these covers are beautiful on the outside. but too many layers of coats make me look funny now. and im getting hot inside. im beginning to perspire and i stink inside. well, pastor's words just made me feel even worse.
nothing in church context is favourable to me now. things aint working out between me and specific individuals and it justs keeps me off when im told to do things. im actually glad because i have already mentally detached myself from them and nothing they say now could hurt me as readily as before. and i dont bother to account for anything now. not that i care anyway.
i got this pissed message directed to me from this particular member because she said i promised her to do something which i did not, in turn, got her into trouble with my leader. and as i would know my leader no better than anyone else in the cell group now (because i have been with her ever since i came to church), she probably claimed all fault to this member. i dont know if i understood it clearly. the possible reason why sherin blatantly pushed all fault to me the last time was also in similar context. im not going to apologise to her for not doing what im 'suppose' to do. i didnt exactly promised her anyway. and by not getting the task completed is her fault simply because she put her name to it. i shouldnt be doing something for her and later on with all credits going to her. you gain your own respects and build your own credits. not by asking someone to do it for you. if i ever say sorry to her, im just fulfilling her idea of making myself feel more guilty and also, she can have some self-pity left for herself. i shouldnt be doing that. im be helping her either.
sherin is sure a dear. i miss her and kaixin. now that they both are too busy for me :( we made a promise together. we knew it. and we remember that. they keep reminding me every time we meet. they probably are the other 2 people i would miss if i ever ever ever stop attending church. today sherin pad me when she passed by. its this kind of cling i have to both of them. they make me feel protected. something i defintitely cannot find in cell group now.
i just cleared my mission funds today. even though its just the last 10 bucks and it could very much wait till my next allowance comes. but i know that would also means crossing over the september month which i made very clear to Him that its a sacrifice i would make for Him. at least i know i can owe all the people in the world but not God. i already felt bad today.
since i wanna make uncle feel better reading the blog. i have decide to say: hello! :P thanks for staying up to wait for me to finsih. wahahaha...
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| Faker |
| 09.22.04 (7:00 am) [edit] |
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i can afford time for everyone and anyone. but i choose who i want to spend my time with. i choose who i enjoy being with. i would do anything for someone i treasure, but i cannot spare another 10 minutes listening to someone who treasures me. i always says im hurt, but i know there are more people that i cut even deeper in their hearts. i always have someone that i misses, but i cannot tolerate another person missing me. i can be very nice to someone whom i dislike but i cannot stand it when they treats me the same. i think like i want to become a professor, philosopher but i dont see eye to eye to these people. i think lowly of myself and i cannot believe others when they praise me. lastly, i choose to love and i rather not have the person love me the way i do because i cannot return them that same givings.
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| List |
| 09.20.04 (7:35 am) [edit] |
since im basically too lazy to do anything. i shall respond to lala's request of my list. although its not me to do that. thats what basically dumb girls do when they get together. and i refer to my girlfriends also. :) so here it goes...
deep set eyes like chad michael murray
prefer older guys
sounds silly
street smart
must be able to lead
a feminist
dimples (i think its damn cute)
having his own faith
classic looking at all time
knows what he wants
decisive
must be smarter than me
but dont make me look like a dumb
fleshy, gone case if hes like me
not too loud, not too deep
i think the list still adds on. but thats for now.
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| Bags |
| 09.19.04 (6:33 am) [edit] |
there are basically 2 kinds of bags in the world to choose from. lets give them a color due of its personality, character and attitude towards life. one is lime green and the other, black.
the green one attractive and desireable. it is definitely more costly and is very shallow. you cant contain as much things as you can in the black. you know theres an end to all beautiful things. eternity does not exist in the relation with this green. and you wldnt know when is the day where it give up on you or you give up on it. if it ever happens to be the second case, then its most likely human nature because its the very reason why you choose it in the first place. taking this bag brings you the attention you want. its green attracts eyes to you. and you simply love it (ok, actually this part is overly done, but still, its something that comes with the green, so ':?') you love it and how it treats you makes you want to flaunt it more. you know there is something to work at, even if it gives a light of tearing. you would try your best to keep it together. theres definitely no another as appealing available. its X factor is one of its kind.
the black one is afforable, conveniently made and common, carried by many fashion chasers on the road. you can easily find another duplicate. for one sure thing, it is faithful to keep all your things safe and in place because of its hard shape body that keeps everything in place. its got a zip to safe lock it up too. just because its common, you could possibly get bored of it easily. and want to get another to replace it. but you know, ultimately its one that will forever sit in your wardrobe as a backup. you know you've got it to fall back on if your flirt with other bags end. you know you will never get another black again, its so hard to find another good durable bag!
which one do you prefer? the stable black or the attractive green?
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| Honey Baby |
| 09.17.04 (10:59 am) [edit] |
lets do a bit of introduction to the existence of my blog. why the name of honeybaby? its actually the combi of my 2 beloved, Honey and Baby. i can only say, they are my 2 prized possessions that i cannot afford to lose, in war or fire, i will bring them with me first. im serious. if you have came to house before, you will notice these 2 bears forever sitting on my bed. yes, they are Honey and Baby.
i cry for them, and they do so for me too. in short, we cry together. i do. i just did when my dad changed my bedsheet and hide them inside the drawers. i went searching high and low, only find myself crying when i retreive them out of the drawer, i could feel them telling me, they were suffocating inside. very bad for their health. they follows after their owner, who suffers from chest diseases, and we cannot afford to not breathe fresh air anytime.
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| Just truth and nothing else |
| 09.15.04 (6:09 am) [edit] |
sometimes you just know it will happen. just a matter of fact whether is it soon and later. sometimes i hope the person isnt you. i hope the reason isnt you too. i hope everything didnt happen.
the thought of eternity is close to nothing. and you feel nothing when you think about it. how sad could that be.
im not a perfect person, i never meant to do those things to you. whenever the day may be. may i hope that we can always peacefully come to terms that the world still spins.
im not good enough for you. and you probably get more elsewhere. im selfish. you are silly.
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| Waiting Game |
| 09.14.04 (9:04 am) [edit] |
everyone waits. and dont doubt, you make, and i also, make others wait for us.
it is inevitable to play this waiting game with and on each other.
happy waiting, lonely, drifting souls of this cold world.
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| Mobile Transport Directory |
| 09.13.04 (8:21 am) [edit] |
everyone ask me for road directions. all the tine, out of nowhere. i have no idea why they always sms me out of the blue, even though we never really meet or talk even. just call me to ask for directions. i can easily give 10 names now who do this to me very often. on one hand, i feel quite proud because this sounds that im street-smart and i know quite a lot of things. and that also means i am quite independent to get anywhere i want to! on the other hand, its really irritating to know that i am nothing but just a road directory to all my friends. and they remember me for that. how sad can that be. and it just eats away my sms to teach them how to get to the place. knowing that i wont be rewarded after that. i dont mean to be so material and want something back. i mean, we can at least meet? knowing that you can still remember me, i should at least hold a bit of worth to meet up with right? but no, they just ask me for the way and finsih, that marks the end to our conversation until the next time when they need my help again.
i open my door to anyone out there. come, ask me for directions. im the way, the truth, the life to your destination. hahaha... by the way i enjoy giving directions to elderly when i see them lost at the train tracks and bus stops.
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| Follow up |
| 09.12.04 (7:31 am) [edit] |
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
hey sorry about just now i apologise
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
was quarreling with my gf so quite hot tempered
of course, being a journalist, i must always acknowledge both sides of the report and not make it sound as if hes totally bad of a character to work with.
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| Oh yeah baby. This is THE real scene. |
| 09.12.04 (7:09 am) [edit] |
Bei - What's The Use says:
u finsih ur side. then we combine.
Bei - What's The Use says:
cos i finished mine ord.
Bei - What's The Use says:
put on the emac. make the final changes there
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
dun combine la
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
fuck la he say then we do, can u have ur own opinion or not?
Bei - What's The Use says:
i mean if u dun finsih it by tmr. then when do u wanna drag until man
Bei - What's The Use says:
watever la. u can have all the opinion in the world if u want to. btw the world does not consist of u and u alone
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
fuck la if u thimnk that way then fine la
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
u have ur own working style
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
i hasve my own
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
if it does nt suit u then too bad
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
i already consider to quit soon just to let u know.
Bei - What's The Use says:
ya i knoe.u said it before ord
saint Nicholas (powered by Windows XP Pro SP2) says:
then u can work ur own style u happy liao lor
Bei - What's The Use says:
if u thk that way.
i just love this kinda conversation. it keeps my blood boiling. sometimes you just need to know, your heart still beats and you've got a life!
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| Where are you? |
| 09.11.04 (8:21 am) [edit] |
i tried to look for God. in my heartiness i found myself typing Him into yahoo search engine, hoping to find where He is. obviously i found nothing.
im very tired indeed. enough to put me off to the bathroom to clean up myself even. but not enough to stop me from finding Him for myself. for myself. thank God for His faithfulness. His grace and mercy. His understanding and capacity. thank God for bringing me through. thank God for finding me. everytime when i mark another closure to a subject. i thank God for being with me. and i thank God for everything for He is my Provider and is sufficient for all my life.
my praises for you sings, and it lingers in your presence. and still is, right now.
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| Im quite impressed... |
| 09.08.04 (7:51 am) [edit] |
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"i know u have many things in ur mind.. but no conclusion to matters so u're just dragging it off.."
im quite surprised actually. oh well, it isnt the first time she reads my mind off so well also. although we never really talk much about each of our personal stuff. i wont be so readily telling anyone else at this moment or in time to come.
no wonder you are my cell group leader... *bow
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| Identity |
| 09.07.04 (7:58 am) [edit] |
having, losing, enjoying then suffering and searching. it is a vicious cycle of getting our own identity and it births from our very root to feeling belonging to something. we all have a belonging, or rather we all have a longing to belong. in any form of seeking; in religion, races, relationships and even to an object. i feel a belonging to my bed, for those who sleeps on the street, they worry about not having a roof over their head at nights. i feel a belonging to my honey and baby, they are my cry point. i feel a longing to rightly belong to someone, just that the person may not have drop pass yet, or rather, by some circumstances puts the longing to belong off. i feel a belonging to my individual friends, and i know they are special in different ways in my life, each holds a different purpose and the lost of them would cause significant impact in me. lastly i feel a belonging to Jehovah God, for Hes my Provider at all times, my source of inspiration and my cup of joy, the faithful one, the covenant keeping God.
when i watched Children Underground today, my mind streamed passed all kinds of thoughts. thoughts of how this childrens' mind can be so complicated, yet smart at the same time. very terrible to think of it though. i looked at Mariam, and i got reminded of my brother. something like this will never happen within singapore context, not that im complacent, i just hope it never will.
"i have a mother right? she gave birth to me right?"
to
"i know my mother and father is waiting for me. they are not in this country and they are waiting for me to go find them, only that i dont have a passport out of this place"
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| i want to |
| 09.06.04 (7:14 am) [edit] |
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i feel like i havent been connecting to the world for so long. i need to talk, about anything, but i couldnt find myself talking to anyone anymore. i want someone to sit just quietly beside me and waste time watching the clouds pass by. i want to go eat some chocolates and lick some ice cream. i want to talk about silly clean plain jokes (not those lame and dirty ones from newsroom). i want to go shopping alone. i want to go ikea and sleep on the beds. i want to spend time with mummy. i want to go soak myself in big swimming pool. i want to movie marathon.
and for one who knows, my plan about going hong kong to stay will be postponed.
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| So What Do You Think Of Me Now? |
| 09.02.04 (11:29 am) [edit] |
i am somebody...
priya's mean girlfriend
yusuf's little shancai
kuan hua's auntie
daniel's number one!
hwee ying's darling qing ai de
jie ying's shao nai nai
ming wei's ka kia
justina's mummy
julia's zoe tay
wan jun's best friend
james' B
sherin's beibei
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