i realised, it is what you make it out to be.
seek and find happiness.

went for manicure today. God remembers when was the last time i enjoy this kind of luxury. wa, cutting the cuticles is like killing me man. so painful. i feel like i pay money to torture myself. no wonder i always feel like i burn a hole inside my pocket after i step out of the treatment. for facial also. the lady would sqeeeeeze all those shit things out of my face and make me cry like nobody's business. and i was the willing party who put myself to all this torture. and time also. do these things, waste my time only. sit at the mercy of this ladies who do all the 'pampering' on me for at least 1 hour. so time wasting, i could probably use the time to sleep. do facial also do until i sleep, do manicure also can sleep. sometimes when i go cut hair i also sleep. just cant stand to tame myself and remain there for hours. and i hate rebonding. you sit there for at least 3 hours non-stop and you cant wash your hair for at least 3 days. and you smell all stinky and feel so lousy that you cant clean those oil-stained hair. and hair removal. you try to shave your hair and realise its not barely clean. so you wax them. and you scream yourself out from your belly. the only thing i have yet tried is silming. like go salon for those therapy treatment. i wonder if they are torturous too. i guess the only time when i would be able to go through that is when i turn fat, and that would probably after i give birth. sooo, just let me continue in these torturing procedures. anyway, i quite like it, especially after my facial. can really feel the greatest difference. like those before and after advertisements. you just feel great. and thats the only comforting thoughts to go for facial. which is necessarily the most painful and gruelling and hell-like activity that a woman put herself through.

Student	Understanding of the news story	Effectiveness in conveying that understanding	Ability to speak Standard English	Confidence on air	Grade   (5%)
TAN BEI ZHEN	Good understanding of both stories	Laudable  and convincing effort made to “tell us the news”	Watch the “th” articulation.	Quite confident and authoritative	3.75

i think she must be memerised by me or what. when was i even confident? haha... *burst out laughing

hasnt been really happy. and the only thing difference between the present state and last year was the grown up me who experienced that leadership discipling (thats like basically what happened within this whole year la).
everything has went back to the beginning. i could have choosen that idiotic path. now i look back, i have nothing to gain, nothing to lose.
there isnt anything left in this for me to even cry over. and thats just how sad it can turn out on me. distrust and many, although there is still a small tiny weeny bit of hope and faith to looking forward on positive side, but the remnant isnt lucrative at all.
just cannot understand man. how come??? can i just go to another country and dont come back anymore. like stay there forever. and keep myself away from this problem.
i do have a good part of my life which i still hold on tightly to. and these are my family and friends. friends, not all are helpful, and i feel for those that are just simply wasting time on me. trying to help solve my problem. i would rather not bother them down by keeping the problem to myself.
i cry over my longed trip to hk. i enjoy the ability to smile over little happenings in each day, when i take those long walk home alone.

my heart is pumping so hard a moment ago, i think im getting breatheless time by time. i think i will soon go out of breathe and my heart will suddenly stop pumping for ends to come.
i really dont want to live a double-face life already. i want to be transparent about my life and still able to live up to that. i dont want to sensor my words and thoughts to people. i fear they might condemn me.
its strangling me. from inside. and its a bad time to think about it. it wont go away any sooner if i dont deal with it. and i wouldnt have a way to the solution since i have already tried for a year.
i should have faced it long ago. i can only blame myself for allowing it to happen, ever since that day that i consented. in this, i not only pull myself down but also many other people. i will affect everybody and i should clearly know it long ago.
i will not be able to face myself a single day until i tell him the truth. and the day possibly wont come.
i definitely wont be able to live that day i tell him.

i need love, pour me some love man.
no more kisses from alvin.
no more hugs from gf.
everyone is leaving me alone. *sob
even mr bopey is not talking to me
i will soon become a member of the institute of mental health, hi mr doctor, here i come...