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| I feel so Alone |
| 06.30.04 (12:07 am) [edit] |
i was talking to lala yesterday about this emptiness i am having and she asked what can help me now. i said i was missing james; like a need to talk to him. lala questioned my need especially when i know he wont be here physically in years to come and guessed there might be more than just friendship between us both.
well, i would say that hes quite a likeable person and that being with the opposite sex will sometimes bring you to another level of fondness towards them. but i think we just wont, like i told lala. knowing him, is like talking to a future me and its scary to fall in love with a future me. hes just like a mirror that shows me what i will become soon, maybe after i graduate.
and when i talk to him, it feels like im standing on a line cut between now and another time dimension. when you realise at that split moment that you could control your fate maybe cause you see the [i]future[/i]. it is scary, its like: if not yes, then it means no. theres no better of both world and i cant experiment with both either. i just see and i have to make that decision.
i made my break just now when i finally wrote to him. richard say that james got a gift for me before he left, so maybe theres something in there i really need. or rather, he knew i need.
and also, gf i know you are reading this, stop giving all that sheepish looks in school.
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| Going back to School |
| 06.26.04 (12:14 pm) [edit] |
hi everybody, hello, hello. dont feel like sleeping, so thought i could use this time to write something for all my fans out there.
school gonna start in 2 days time and all those who were on trips whether is it attachment, holiday, mission trip, backpacking, sightseeing or getaway, are all coming back to re-dedicate themselves to a timetable-d routine.
for once, i dread going back to school, dread getting on track with my life again. i reject commitment and responsibilities. i dislike going for meetings whether is it for the trimedia, editorial team, leaders' meeting, social meeting, cell group outing. i just hope i [i]flow[/i] with them smoothly through the semester.
im now officially back to the [i]beginning[/i], to N06, the place i turned my face towards God and told Him i want to live my life for Him then. i hope i made the right choice and not regret living it for the next half year.
dont know how victorious life could be then but i know i would be busy, with trib team.
and for all my friends i missed out this holiday. i realised how much i changed, dont know if you guys feel the same too. contrary to reh's entry where she talked about change not happening in people, i do believe people change, due to the environment they live in. just like how you were brought up will influence you to become what kind of person.
after so much that is happening in church, in my own life and in my relationships with people. this change might just a look like a minor one on the outside, but i feel totally different within. like how i see others with my own eyes, try to understand the people around by their simple actions and defend myself much more than i used to be.
defending not in a reactive manner, but a passive one. like how i will not jump into a river if someone ask me to but simply just move away without a sign like, "hey you think i stupid ah? jump into the river?" rather, its the kind of ignorance i display to the them, like, "why should i jump?"
i guess im probably living on a simple principle here - ignorance is bliss. and i learnt so much from it. i wished i wasnt so jaded, if thats the word, inside. and i wish to return to those time of a child where everything is sin-less, because you knew no sin and do not understand what it is.
i want to transform myself and live in my own world, like how we always use to say gf is. sometimes i grow really pissed with her about how she does things her way regardless of how all her friends think and i get real mad because i feel she doesnt have us in her heart. but i knew deep down inside that all this is wrong, a voice always calls out and remind me of how wonderful gf is. because she is such a brave girl i cant bring myself to become last time, to not care about what is happening outside the world as long as she is able to live her life the fullest in her own definition.
and i guess thats something alot of the people in this fast track society missed out. we cared so much about living for our living to even live our life and i dont want to become a loser when one day, i sit back at the cafe and realise that all i have done is just fulfilling another person's dream about me. i want to live my own dreams, not another somebody, because in this world, i live only this one life. and i dont know what will happen in the next.
God bless me for such a decision.
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| Taken from a inspiration-giving person's blog. |
| 06.22.04 (9:29 am) [edit] |
[i]What is success to you?
Does success means a good looking girl friend, a rich husband, a branded sport-car, a mansion, lots of levis jeans, branded clothings ?
True success in life is when one is able to affect others positively in life.
One advice for those reading my blog- "You won't get any credits in ife for being busy"[/i]
is it important to be successful in life? i can hear you ehcoing yes. ya, im talking about you.. those reading my blog now. well, to me, success is... nothing? whats so great about influencing people? didnt Carl Marx, Mao Ze Dong, Hitler, Confucious, Lee Kuan Yew and even some of our famous artistes influence us in our buying and choosing power.
to say of that, we dont really have any power, although we are already considered the elites in society. look at how many of your choices are pre-destined by your culture and environment. didnt bel streak her hair because of the trend in laselle?, didnt lala join the silly programme because she get so high over sivert ong? didnt rad get so mad over christianity because of her boyfriend? didnt priya name her alter-ego after her fave tv show?
and to say that influencing in a positive manner is success, then what about defining your positive? people who have never ever heard of Christ yet live a goody good life see themselves doing good deeds too. and because they dont hear of the Word, they develop their own philosophy that works towards the good life of mankind. what is good then?
if you really want me to define success for you, it would be [b]living your life to the fullest in the most (God) righteous manner without any need to depend on others for survival [/b]
do you feel very successful because of this inspiring blog you set for people to visit? i dont feel anything from here and i think you are nowhere nearer to being successful by writing all these. if you really wanna live up to your definition, then go out and do something. people dont need your words to live on. they need the Word
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| feeling alrighty |
| 06.20.04 (10:26 am) [edit] |
came back and all well. talking about the trip, it isnt all wonderful and lovely but i got a proper getaway still. the beach is a lonely one, with no single soul on the sands besides us. i recommend you there if you love nice seas breeze and lonesome company.
for the first time, i can really feel at ease with myself; you could say state of realisation if you want to. whilst the rest are complaining and grumbling about the facilities there, i was enjoying the sky, the sun and everything that worth rejoicing about.
when i got out of singapore, the last thing that was on my mind is worrying someone waiting to contact me and yet no able to. this kind of commitment i used to have has took a u-turn and ran its way to someone else.
overnight, i lost so many (leadership position, trust, friendships, love, power and status)... things that i could not possibly let go before. perishable things that i fought so hard for last time. i lost it all.
i have turn on my sinful ways and i want it this way. because i cannot stand to be righteous before my King and obey the human authorities that were put over me including expectations and man-targetted goals.
i have a itching, love-hate exchange with alcohols and gambling. i know sub-consciously, i dont like and distest the idea of behaving like a drunkard and gambling away my hard-earned parental allowances (and those of alvin's too). but i knew i had a past and present that could not stop me from so. i felt sinful to continue in this acts yet trying hard to two-face a good christian sister. i rather i fall hard and dont need to live up to their expectations, feeling guilty all the time because my sheeps will follow their leader.
im free, like how i told alvin i enjoyed todays dinner because i knew, at that time, no one would call me for attendance.
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| Drifting away, Far away |
| 06.18.04 (7:48 am) [edit] |
everyone is questioning about the holiday. why? cant you guys even have a bit of understanding towards me? cant you people just let me go and stop controlling my life?
richard: i did not purposefully choose to go at this time if thats what you were trying to mean. and truthfully, school gonna start soon and i wont be able to use the next weekend for the getaway. alvin cant get leaves as and when he wants. and he cant start to clear his leave yet, its far away from him still. he can only come out on weekends if you understand how national army works.
sherin: your words hurt alvin deeply, and i know that. i also know he will not tell another person on this earth apart from me anymore because he does not want to stir any arguements up. please, i plea you to have more faith and trusting compassion towards him, based on the account that he has been your friend for so long.
i know there will be another person who will interrogate us again. but for now, we should just stop talking about it because i really cant be bothered by all these unimportant, insignificant questioning.
lala, going away is as equally difficult *sigh...
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| starting afresh |
| 06.17.04 (2:11 am) [edit] |
birthday just passed and school gonna start soon. for me, passing birthday always spells another more significant meaning.
when u celebrate new year, you have new year wishes and resolutions, so for birthdays too. you have birthday wishes and i have resolutions for the rest of the year too.
for now, i just want to get back with a life of mine, to purse the things i want to do and not be bothered by what is going to come my way. they are coming back, school gonna start, for me and many others, alvin's coming out and darryl also. clara's leaving church and reh has got a life to live on. joan too. audrey is getting well on track again. richard is going to national service and wendell is going to get busy, or rather should i say, focused. cg is going to multiply, and sherin is going to rise up as leader.no one can predict what will happen in the next 1,2 months to come.
i missed the outing yesterday without a hint of explanation and a sign of disappearance. well, they must be well mad and angry with me. for a few others who couldnt care less, they did not even bother to ask why or call up. for those at the other end, they were more concern about my attendance and explanation more than anything else.
you can see i was quite cool about it still, because i knew no one would bother about my absence more than my appearance. and my appearance to them, in my eyes, are just a need to maintain and balance out what i should be doing all this while. coming is necessary and absence is a no-no.
im well on my way to backsliding, you can say. but for now, i just want to be very much alone still and be with my family.
dont worry, i still have my faith continue in Him.
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| this is the day! |
| 06.16.04 (11:16 am) [edit] |
hahaha, just finished another episode of meteor garden topped with bread made in scrambled eggs and pinic ham. well, for many others, its just another normal meal they make day in and out. but it really counts for bro and me cos its the first time we are doing it.
well.. something my bro wanna add on here.. the taste is just nice and right for a beginner and yes, hes getting the kick of it. we are getting more ingredient tomorrow at the supermart agian and we gonna make sandwiches. yes, those you watch they make on tv...
and woohoo, sleeping time now. cos we are heading down town tomorrow!
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| happy birthday wishes |
| 06.15.04 (9:26 am) [edit] |
[u]Thanks to all who remembers my birthday[/u]
Jasmine - Hey wish u happy birthday first... Leaving Tml le.. So wish u in advance.. Yup.. Take care ya? Miss u.. Nitez..
Sujia - Happy birthday to you :-D
Jieying - Hihi.. Juz wanna wish ya happy birthday now before all ur inbox hs beinbombed.. All the best for ur future endeavor too.. Hope to cya soon!!
Xueling - Halo beizhen, Xueling here. Juz wan 2 wish u a happy blessed b'day.. May all ur wishes n dreams cum true.
Xueting - Wish u happy birthday!! May God bless u in watever u do.... Enjoy....
Peizi - Hey bei bei! happy 19th birthday!!! may e joy of e Lord be with u always andi love u and cherish u as my sister! u are wonderful!! =)
Adrian - Hey happy birthday ya? God bless
Wendell - Hey bei bei... I know i'm a little early but i Jus wanna wish ya a vry hApPy BiRTHDaY! May all your wishes come true this yr!
Shawn - (pictured) Imglad tat friendship doesn't come wif price tags 4 if it did i can never afford sum1 as wonderful as u! Happy birthday
Joanne Jung - Joanne here, from sis kaixin's cg, wish u happy birthday.
Desong - Happy birthday little girl.. well not so little anymore..have a great day ahead.. and take care always
Priscila - Bei bei pris here haha happy birthday to ya wor.. Hehe first birthday with ya ... May ya grow more in Christ and strive in your studies ... God bless... Muack
Rachel - (pictured) Im sorry 2 disturb u.. i just wnt 2 let u know.. happie bday!!!
Sebrina - Happy birthday girl! May all your dreams and wishes come true.. Enjoy yourself and take care!
Xiuzhen - My ever ever ever dearest, prettiest, loveliest, most adorable, sexiest pi gu.. God will use u as His vessels to lead ppl to Him.. Happy 19th birthday.. Muack
Priya - Gf!!! Happy 19th birthday..have all the fun in the world and feel like a million bucks! remember i love you and i will always be here for you..
Ronnie - Happy birthday to u.. May u enjoy yr day.. God bless...
Jessie Huang - Happy birthday!one year older lo all the best in whatever u do!
Jessica - Happy birthday dear beizhen! may GOD grant u the desires of your heart! enjoy yourself tomorrow...
Hong Sheng - HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. . . MAY UR DREAMS CUM TRUE . . BEST WISH
Doris - Hi Beizhen hope you have a Happy sweet 19th birthday :) May your birthday wish comes true... (",)
Audrey - Yo bei bei, Happy Birthday to you! Continue to grow ever higher in the rest of the year ahead n be a history maker n world shaker for God! Luv ya sista!
Wan Jun - Happy Birthday! May u have an enjoyable and memorable day..
Wen Kai - Happy birthday!
Engwee - Yo gal, happie birthday! Finally 19 liao wor! Harhar... Anyway, Juz wanna wish u all e best in ur future endeavours n continue to shine even more for e Lord! ;
Jing Hong - Happy Bday! You're born to be a world shaker for God. May the presence of God be with you! God Bless. Have a Wonderful Day.
Ying Ying - Hello beizhen happy sweet 19. may you stay sweet and cheerful always!
Tzewei - Happy birthday!!
Darryl - Happy Birthday gal.. Wah somebody gotten older already, soon cannot call u girgir any more. Have a blessed day!
Yi Lian - Yo.. Happy birthday.. Enjoy this special day of yours
Gary Chua - Happy b.day to you enjoy your last teen year :)
Kelvin Tan - Hi BeiZhen!! Happie beLATed Birthday.. Keep growin in e Lord n be e best in ur studies.. Thank u for this frenship
[u]Thanks to all those who called me too. [/u]
Yusuf (from New Zealand) - its a pleasant surprise to hear from you after so long! i thought u were gone!
Richard - who keeps calling me all day for many reasons. you were the first to call me into the 12 midnight and last too!
WeiWei - Thanks for remembering my birthday with so much effort, it must be hard on you. hee...
[u]And those who MSNed me.[/u]
Raymond - you are a kaypoh who happens to read others (Clara's) bloggie
i spent the day eating away
[u]eating journey[/u]
1. mixed veg with rice, bak-kut teh, sugar cane juice
2. crystal jade-claypot mixed yong tao foo, carrot cake, yam roll, steamed ribs, glutinous bun, pork pastry
3. red bean ice cream
4. marche-pizza, honey choc, rosti with cheese sausage
5. durian cake
6. roasted duck with rice
and walking non-stop
[u]walking journey[/u]
1. queensway shopping complex - ikea - hawker centre
2. parco bugis junction - OG shopping centre - within OG complex - parco bugis junction
3. orchard road - taka shopping centre - within taka complex - heerens - within heerens complex - marche
4. taka shopping centre - within taka complex - youth park
love alvin the best! his carefully planned birthday was all exposed by me! hahaha... well, he did make an effort to give me a pleasant surprise. and yes, i love the way i spent the day. thanks to all those who remembers my birthday, like bro wenkai, yilian, shawn etc.. you are the few im most delighted to get your sms from. and all those well-wishers, yes, those blessing are my heart-felt cries.
thank you thank you and thank you. endless of them. and that duriany cake, how could i forget that? thank you for making my day perfect.
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| Lovely |
| 06.12.04 (7:19 am) [edit] |
the cg celebrated my birthday for me today ;) its a great surprise for me cos i really dont intend to tell anyone or do anything special this year. i felt that it would be nice if anyone really remembers it and, by that i would be more than happy to organise any party with all the well-wishers.
really a delight to have a big chocolate cake and topping it off with another pair of black pants (the ones i want), and all these comes in the midst of the cg finance crisis.
popularity comes when the number of people you invite turn up. and sincerity comes when people remembers your birthday without notice. be it a test of friendships i build with anyone, at least i think its not an issue anymore.
i jumping off for another drink and catch the first kick off the euro cup! get running!
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| refreshing this bloggie again |
| 06.11.04 (8:48 am) [edit] |
i did another blog on blogger for my bro. its fun cos its the pet to both of us. i get to add stuff on it and my bro too, but of course, the password still lies with him... and the access to internet lies with me! *grinning evilly. the whole week has been wholesome. staying at home with bro all day all night, staying up late till 4.30am to meteor together and fighting to get our hands on the laptop in the day. yesterday, we did grocery shopping with mummy and we bought back a whole deal of items! not forgeting, we get to buy all the junkies we want; honeystars, milk, bread, grapes, watermelon, biscuits, chocolate, drinks etc to stock up. we gonna munch ourselves till we blend in with the couch, hahahaha...
watched "the best bet" today and it really got me thinking on the kind of life many singaporeans have. not saying in general, but those whom i know and are close with. i hope i never see them end up like those in the film. *continue to think...
and yes, we are going to book our tickets for the getaway tomorrow. hopefully, this time is really it! not gonna let anyone know about it yet, shant say till we are gone! wahahaha... and i wont have to clean and refurnish newsroom too, i bet yee ran away for his trip purposefully for the same reason too.
i miss bel, really nice to receive her sms today and knowing shes getting well and fine. and i remember how she enjoys making new friends all the time. it is too for me! and making new friends really brightens my day, maybe going for a drink with them tomorrow, shall see about it!
lastly, this is for my bro, i love ya.. *wink thanks for making food for me all the time (hes the new age chef in future) although i know you did it with a motive of using this typing machine.
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| Wheezing since dawn break |
| 06.07.04 (9:00 am) [edit] |
i felt a burden in my heart today as i walked and continued to progress. i could hear His voice despite my wheezing in my lungs so strongly and this intangible presence of the angels following me through the day.
Him telling me about my destiny, how i would impart knowledge and wisdom to others, deposit the mustard seed of faith on the members.
surely He also send me the Holy Spirit who bring me quick remembrance to constantly fear Him and be pure and holy in order to see Him.
man can be successful without God; by the sheer hard work and effort which he puts in. for whatever you focus on, it will surely grow. but without God, man will perish, for he focus on things that are carnal.
so God... since you have deposited this seed in my soul, let it be to me, that i shall bear the cross daily and walk with you and fear your ways and commandments. may you guard my heart in the things my mind thinks of.
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| i cant stand properly even |
| 06.04.04 (1:59 am) [edit] |
finished Emerge yesterday. really had a awesome last 3 days. the Lord really moves and changes peoples' heart, He set a brand new urgency in Audrey to reach out and serve again (which is totally what im asking God for). and that is also the power of God that made so many people to give up their life for this simple cause. truly, when people receive a vision and dream from heaven, no obstacle they cant overcome, nothing they cant do with the promise the dream or vision that come along with.
extreme sports: i tell you, its the battlefield of your mind. i was running running running... i hate the girl with the ponytail, i really wanna pull it and make her come yelling like mad. she really irritates me as i jog passed her, she run up slightly pass me and stop again. when i jog passed her, she continued running pass me slightly and stop again. we did this for almost half of the journey and she really.. argh!!! i actually wanted to stop the race but i guess i couldnt so i took my time and did it at my own pace. i guess i did disappoint bel in the later part and made her cry twice thru the course. once, when sweat and hot cream went into my eyes and i cant see a thing. second, when we cant find her flag after quite some time.
also, we had some good fun thru out, she had to stick her hand into the bottle of lava worms to find the small pingpong ball. was shouting like mad!!! at the push-up station halfway, i stopped and stared at bro wenkai. i think i made him so frightened that he got very lenient with me too! hahahahaha...
at the final rundown, we had to carry the water bottle which was so heavy i dont believe its 5kg man. we nearly got caught up with another pair, luckily we managed to throw the bottle back and run passed the finishing line.
though we didnt make it in the top few, we are still good finishers in His eyes and its already a consolation to me and bel. to get into the finals was the greatest achievement for her as she could not even walk with her both legs last Emerge.
i really want to thank my friends who they stood by us and believe we can make it. hope is for the future; for next second of breathing and our dreams. believe is for now, that we may do all things. love exist all the time because you believe.
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