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All sort of things stream thru my head
04.30.04 (12:53 pm)   [edit]
i shouldnt be staying up and typing this at this time anyway, suppose to meet cell for a cool-out and also make up for the absence today :P well, i dont really want to go tomorrow actually. i am going back to my hermit life again, staying away from everything and anything possible. listening to cantopop king leslie chung's [i]zhui[/i](cantonese version). dont really understand what it means but nevermind, the melody fits my mood now. helpless and lost...

thinking of many things. the vulnerbility of ones faith, attitude, actions which all leads on to consequence we all have to face at the end. days ago i was bad-mouthing my 3 friends for their conspired lie. and at the end of this week, i find myself doing this to others(at least mind is not conspired, but on intention. see, im feeling guilty and defending myself at the same time, haizzz).

cheapening relationship, everyone does that i realised. and sometimes, its inevitable that when we hate others, we dont even know it ourselves.

i dont want to share this to any of my friends yet because i always believe, the spoken lives. and if it is not true and not mend to be, then i will be digging my own hole.

i find my faith shaken, this faith is not in religion, but my relationship with God. sadly because i had my belief started this way- i didnt want a religion, but a genuine meeting with Almighty.

now, i find myself at the crossroad. the Bible says, to those who believe, he shall be saved. then why am i constantly running so hard? to build the cell together, to stand in the gap? calling up members is a chore because i know i am doing it for attendance sake. i dont want it this way. its too much for me to bear. i would love my members enough to call them up myself and not be pushed by a leader to tell me what to do. the non stop scolding and discipleship (they call it) is not what i want.

seeking knowledge is wrong? i never knew that. why does ignorant people want to cover up their lack of wisdom? with knowledge comes wisdom. God has called us to be wise ruler over the earth, why do people want to pull down each others desire to know more?

i hate to meet standards set by people for me, its strains me to perform, which is completely what these target-setters want. i want to run this race, to fight and win the course, i want to match your mark very much if you do not know.

i guess i can safely say i am a diligent person. and one who does work well enough. but things are never in my hands and most of the time it ends up not the way it should be.

once again, choose the good and you will find goodness, somethings just are too in the face to be false. sadly.

PS: the paras may not match, its just memories that stream and i put it into words immediately.
 
Take Me Leave This Place PLease
04.28.04 (1:01 am)   [edit]
i seriously yearn for a holiday. i doubt anyone will understand this, trying hard to get away feeling im having inside. well, for some people who have been listening to me, this is probably said since last june.

wherever it maybe, i do not want to go sightseeing... maybe just a stay at kampong house along the beaches, lazing and not doing anything at all for a whole day would be good. or some cold(at least cooler than hotty hot singapore would be good enough) places like... New Zealand, England, stay in the cottages house breathing in the air. i believe air smells different.

i do not just want to go for 4 days for 1 week... 2 weeks maybe? problem is theres probably no accomodations i can afford for so long. no friends i can seek to lodge at... im dying... from singapore air!!!
 
Lie-Betrayal-Anger-Disappointment-Unbelieve
04.27.04 (4:12 am)   [edit]
[i]A:can u explain soemthg to me
B:??
A:Choose to believe in the good of what you see and you'll find
goodness.........
(of course that does not discount accountability, only the comments that
follows)
B:oh, it means like... not including the issue of accountability lah
A:anyway i am totally disappointed
B:what happened
A:cos apparently, it seems to me that 3 2 person ganged up to lie to me
B:about what??
A:a lie which seem totally redundant
A:imagine 3 person, gd frds wants to go dine together.
A:whatever for? i hate liars?
B:haiya good friends then just tell the truth lah
A:althou im not gonna approach them abt it. i will hv a totally diff perspective abt them frm nw on. and dun blame me for tt
B:ok i wont
B:you know what.. if you're good friends then just say lah
A:u mean u had b4?
B:of course
A:say wat? ask them y they hv to lie to me?
B:for me different lah
B:i know they're lying and they know they're lying to me. it sjust that i dont mind or just dont care
A:so u won say anythg?
A:i mean im not saying anythg abt it also. but its jus such a simple thg? if they say they want to eat out? wld i purposely barg and say i insist on joining them? as if i care
B:what really happened
A:2 ran off. among this 2, 1 said on her way home. 3rd one was eating with me. went off suddenly, like disappear nowhere. den told me nex day that she went home early to fiinish her homewk.
B:then how you know they're lying?
A:i saw the latest entry the purple shirt girl put up
B:oh
A:no 1 but 2 of them told me they went home.
B:aiya just say lah. but then, i suppose, as friends eventually you'll forget about it. its like that with friends you know
A:as frd. i cant help to thk i cant trust dem in their words anymore
A:serious
B:ai.. shancai..
B:sometimes you gotta think about it also
B:its just a dinner
B:i know it could have been something else
B:but you'll do well to find it in your heart to forgive people
B:it really sucks to live life mistrusting everyone
B:i know people like that
B:its really no fun at all
B:im not saying you should just trust everyone also
B:but just be wary or at least wise abuot decisions and stuff
B:people say things they shouldn't say,or do things they shouldn't do
B:one day that might be you doing it to someone else
B:we're all so young still
B:sometimes we should just let things go you know..
A:its very hard u know. it makes me feel that its cheating to even have frds like these. dont u thk tht u will start being very aware of everythg other ppl do and say to u? on either way, whether i let this go or not?
A:i cant stand it man. im act surprise im even thking abt this after a whole night. i mean i use to be so off frm all this. like wat u said
A:althou they r not real close to me, i feel very... i thk its jus the betrayal subject. too much la. for e very fact we r not even close, n they hv to do this.
A:i wonder hw they wld even hv closer frds ever
B:maybe you're looking at it the wrong way
B:if you're not really close friends with them
B:then maybe the feel they dont have to tell you everything
A:aiya human minds are so complicated[/i]

i have never been so connected about all these human affairs. for people who know me, im in fact one of the most i dont-care-what-the-hell-l ot-of-things-you-choose-t o-lie-to-me person.

so many things happened and Big Brother Watching, you have to catch up soon. i just hate liars. for all you people including the 2 person in particular, please be conscious about your doings and if you ever decide and choose to make a simple lie even. think twice, im not the kind of person who puts it down easily.
 
Chasing after Time
04.19.04 (10:20 am)   [edit]
im consciously playing a game with time and i realise i might nv stop and i dont like it.

theres no way in stopping and when i decide to stop, time will play with me. the only notion that is different here is whether im playing with it or vice versa.

fighting it ALL your life, marvellously a thing that existed even before Adam and Eve, it record history in time like how it displayed your whole life on your resume and death cert

sitting here is a wasting time and wasting time is wasting life. see, sleeping is wasting life, one third of your life is spent sleeping just so to keep your health in good working condition.

for what? for wasting your time contributing your talents and skills to work for productivity in good of the economy. so your country will prosper and in turn benefit the citizens (ok, im being sour about it). i hate working.

why follow the norm? everyone talk about not needing to do what the world tells you to, but isn't working, going to school, getting to social parties, ways of survival?

hence, fiitting to the society, doing the ideal, following the norm are the means of survival or you will be called the [i]rock star[/i] because you lead a glamourous and down-to-drain life

i think Time doesnt love me, im have been [i]chasing[/i] him since i was born? like a lovelorn who make the conscious effort in seeking his acceptance one day...

well, actually i just want to talk about sleeping.
 
Excerpt from someone's mirror
04.15.04 (3:20 am)   [edit]
[i]Did you know that there are two kinds of love? It took me a while to figure this out, but it is true. There are those lovers that you fall in love with and you are jealous. You are so in love with them, that when they spend time with someone else, you are jealous. You are so hurt when you find out that they have found someone else, even long after you have broken up with them. That’s a jealous love. It’s possessive. Many people love that way, and are happy that way. As long as they trust their partners all is fine. Yet, as soon as there is the smallest cause to doubt, this love breaks to pieces, jealousy breaks it up. This is the constant struggle to gain and keep trust that so many people talk about when they say marriage is a struggle. It’s the kind of love Stephanie has for me, a girl I’ve known for 12 years, who has loved me for 12 years with out me even knowing. A jealous love so strong that it almost took her life when I left her to marry Veronica. It broke her heart. It is this love that makes it so hard for me to tell her that I don’t feel the same way for her. I don’t want to hurt her; I don’t want to break her heart again. I’m terrified to tell her.
I think it was the same kind of love I felt for Judy. It was a strong love, and a jealous love. I was overbearing, and destructive, because I was jealous. And I am still sorry that I felt that way.
The second kind of love is different. This love is not jealous. Instead it feels for the other. It is only satisfied when the other is happy. It will do whatever it can to make the other partner happy, because you have this bond, this link that makes you feel what the other feels. I don’t know if this link ever breaks.
When one partner leaves, you hurt because you feel the link is being broken, not because you are jealous. It takes some time to realise that the link doesn’t actually break – even though it feels like it. I think it takes time to realise that it is not jealousy or selfishness that is hurting you, but a sense of loss. And if the other finds a new partner, you are not hurt or jealous, you are happy, because you know that they are happy, and you are happy for them. I hope this makes sense to you. I’m not very good explaining it.
That’s the kind of love I feel for Shannen. I love her with all my heart, and I don’t think that I can ever love the same way again. It doesn’t hurt me that she has gone back to be with Tim. It makes me happy that she is happy. Just reading her blog, how they are all going to be together for the Easter break, celebrating it as a family, makes me really happy for her. I am not jealous of Tim. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about Tim. I’m happy for Shannen, and C. and B.
I will never interfere in that. Why should I? Shannen is happy. I know it’s hard to let go for her, and for me. But why wouldn’t I be happy for her? Why would I interfere in her happiness if not for my own selfishness?
I know, in time I will probably fall in love again. I will make the same mistakes as ever and the cycle - as Mum and Jude used to call it - will start again. You’ll be subjected to the same song lyrics again, and possibly a new nickname, although I’m starting to run out of them.
Love is blind. If we would know at the beginning how it would end we would never fall in love. The next time I fall, it might be a jealous love again, and maybe I will have the brains to read this blog then and grow up before I get hurt. I am not making any promises.
I wish you all a happy holiday. If you believe in it, I wish you a happy Easter. I hope you get some time to reflect on your own lives and live it to the fullest. And if you have a moment, remember someone. Call someone or hug them. Don’t let go of the love you have for one another.[/i]
 
Word's of this ex-classmate
04.14.04 (10:12 am)   [edit]
[i]i'm tired lah...still need to start on my journal....

i hope i've made the rite choice[/i]

you sound so weak... ive never seen you like this...
 
Crying...
04.09.04 (12:41 am)   [edit]
sometimes i dont understand why certain things are done the way it is.

hahahaha, its such a hilarious laugh when people say sorry, when they say they support you all the way, they understand how you are feeling. dont they sound hypocritical? they just dont. they dont mean it when they say sorry, they dont mean it when they support, they simply dont understand what im going thru.

call me self-centered, the world spin around me, whatever it means. at least i know my intention is not that.

youre right, i keep it to myself, i focus on myself. then what am i suppose to do? focus on others and blame it on them? predict my future and say i will fade away because it is too heavy for me to carry.

i may be fading away, maybe i wanna re-prioritize my life again, i do find satisfaction in what im doing this all this while, but not enough to fill me.

i dont even know why im blogging these stuff here.
 
Worrying...
04.07.04 (12:16 am)   [edit]
i was so sadden when i saw the top 50 ranking students in the whole of MCM. my name wasnt there! ya, as an expectation set by myself, i am hoping to see my name up on the board. well, it really didnt.

im beginning to worry... mind you religious christians, its not saying that i do not have faith, but this worrying is showing how much i could have done and did not do, how much i could have excel but did not put my heart to it.

opportunities missed, potentials untapped.

gone is my specialist project(it may not be a bad choice since i want to do more electives) and many other things including a nicer portfolio.

im left with just 3 weeks before i close my year2 in MCM. i really want to do well, at least to make up for the effort i guiltily did not put in.

sometimes, its period like this when you want so much to turn back the time machine.
 
Monday blues
04.05.04 (3:26 am)   [edit]
when i thought i could just take a breather and enjoy my afternoon nap, i have my mum screaming from the other end of the house(yes, i know my house isnt too big) and phone calls coming in like nobody's business.

today, i really took the extra step and woke up early in the morning(when i dont need to) and met my dear for breakfast. only to find out that he got his appointment timing remembered wrongly. hahaha, anyway, its still good...

i predict this week to be a mad one; celebrating easter, entering in week 14, doing spectrum layout, finishing my journal, starting to design the online pub, going for PR consultation, getting manicurist confirmed(or i so gonna let my hair be ruined, as if you so know what i mean), getting the setup done, doing the 1st rehearsal, rushing for tuition(that kid really reminds me of e irritating singer-boy in My Girl), going for Bk of Isa, studying and giving the Word Power quiz... i dont know how many more things are going to pour over me like sleep never comes. for all i know, the weekend will come like tomorrow, blow me over and before i realise, i will start another hectic week again.

well, its all good. better than no productivity at all.

i still miss something, i think is some good real talk. with my dear? shai? gf? foo? bren? audrey? sherin?

wanjun called me yesterday, din bother to return call. guess this is it. anyway we dont really have much to talk about now too. silence makes us even more awkward. fur sms me while being on the same bus, i knew he would get down at Raffles Town Club, i pretended to sleep my way thru.

oh no... im choosing and picking people i want to talk to. thats really bad...

di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da di da... dwindle away...
 
Guilty until proven innocent
04.01.04 (9:21 am)   [edit]
this is bad. i hope something will come out of all that we have tried to do. i know the Office cannot just let the matter go and not do anything. but in all case, please do not do harm my inncocent friend Shaiful. he will never do this kinda thing.

i know this could be too late and a bad time to admit if you really did it. i know God watches this and He takes into account for blessing the righteous too.

let's all pray. *close my eyes, bow my head*